p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
