this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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