Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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