I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
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