in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Randomize
