do you know mcdonalds refuses to give out large cups of water now? you have to buy a bottle or they give you a small cup. No exceptions.
RUDE.
I said FINE, then I'd like 7 small waters and 2 of those nifty carrying cases to carry about my h2o.
outsmarted mickey deeeees
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
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