You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
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