You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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