Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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