Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
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