life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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