At a sweet 16. cant remember what shirt im wearing byt dnt worry im not sleeping w/ the guy who serves the chicken nuggets again
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
