Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
Randomize
