who cares. he's ugly and has a dick this big -->
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
