the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
