so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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