my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
Randomize
