You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
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