i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
