I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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