You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
Me too it's so nice. Debated studying out there but woulda been 90% babe-watching 5% flexing 3% studying and 2% talkin my boners down.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
