I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
i came on her dog
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Randomize
