I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
