Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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