What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
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