my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
Randomize
