she smelled like a LAN party
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Randomize
