Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
Randomize
