I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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