shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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