update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
Randomize
