i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
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