I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
