Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
