Wooohooo! I'm sitting in the car like a creep watching people walk in and out of Blush. Lots of happy people.
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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