I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
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