But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
Randomize
