Do you think the new Crest Whitestrips Advance Seal would stay on while I give him head? It would be great to knock out 2 things at once...
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
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