Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Randomize
