i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
