You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
