yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
