Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
Randomize
