this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
Randomize
