Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
