The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
