just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
so far i wrote 500 words for a paper on sean paul performing we be burnin..i can officially do anything on adderral
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
