How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
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