I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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