i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
Randomize
