When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
"Reality" and all separate lives are the same thing?... We all have separate realities?! My life Has one reality and yours has another?
Haha how much did you smoke
4 feet of smokeee!
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
