I'm lost and stupid without you.
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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