chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
Randomize
