3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
Randomize
