My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize
