If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
Life without a bra equals bliss.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Randomize
