Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
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